SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Setting boundaries isn’t always easy, and achieving a healthy work-life balance has never been more complex than in today’s fast-paced world.

The demands of our jobs, personal commitments, and the constant presence of technology can make it tough to unwind and switch off. It’s not just about clocking in and out of the office; it’s also about having a fulfilling life on both fronts. The process of communicating your boundaries and limits to others can be unpleasant, especially for those who aren’t used to it. When people are used to specific relationship limits, they can fight if you try to change your boundaries with them, and people (like toddlers) frequently try to test boundaries among one another. This can all be difficult, especially considering its impact on stress levels. However, maintaining healthy boundaries is critical for our mental, physical, and emotional well-being. With the right strategies and mindset, you can balance your professional and personal life, leading to a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life.

The end result will be well worth it: relationships that involve greater levels of mutual respect will meet the needs of all parties involved, and the stress levels will be significantly less for everyone. This blog will discuss the significance of setting healthy boundaries and implementing practical strategies to help you achieve harmony in your daily life. First things first. You must understand where your personal boundaries are, how comfortable you are with people close to you and what steps to take to achieve them. Often, your first clue is the feeling you get when your boundaries have been violated. Everyone has different boundaries; something that bothers you might not bother someone else, and vice versa. It is, therefore, vital to communicate your boundaries to other people so that they are aware of them and may be able to avoid violating them. Below are some general guidelines to help you become more aware of your own personal boundaries. 

SIGNS THAT YOU NEED TO IMPLEMENT SOME PERSONAL BOUNDARIES

• You feel annoyed and resentful of people asking too much of you, especially when it is something happening too often. You agree to things you’d rather not do to avoid offending or disappointing people. 

• You find yourself feeling resentful because the relationship does not carry mutual weight. You feel you do more for others than they do for you. 

• You tend to keep people at a distance as you are afraid of letting people get too close to you as it may be too overwhelming. 

• You have the impression that most of what you do is for other people, and they may not appreciate it all that much. 

• The stress of disappointing others outweighs the stress of doing things that bother or drain you in order to please them. 

Questions that can help you clarify your boundaries in certain situations and navigate through future ones

• Would you rather say yes or no if no one would be disappointed? 

• Is it worth the effort to say yes when all of the rewards and expenses of this circumstance (both tangible and intangible) are considered? 

• Are you comfortable posing the same request to someone else?

• Do you genuinely believe that individuals who are upset with you if you say no are coming from a respectful, reasonable place? (And, if not, is it time to start putting some boundaries in place?)

• Is this something you wish to set as a precedent? (And, where would a reasonable line be drawn if not?) 

• Consider someone you admire who has healthy boundaries. Someone you aspire to be like. What do you think their reaction would be in this situation? 

 THE ART OF SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Once you’ve decided how you’re feeling, you can decide whether or not you want to set a boundary. In an ideal world, once we know our boundaries, we can simply communicate that information to others and establish a relationship boundary. However, unfortunately, it is not always easy and straightforward; setting boundaries often involves some negotiation, and it doesn’t always go smoothly. People have their own boundaries that may or may not coincide, and they may urge for greater distance or closeness for their own reasons. Because we need to think of our own needs as well as others, it is important to carefully set boundaries and also take into account the needs and reactions of others. 

The first part of the question is, ‘Where do my personal boundaries lie?’ and secondly”, When do I put these boundaries in place? When you set your boundaries in certain settings, you must consider practical factors such as the “cost” of setting boundaries. It will also help you clear feelings of guilt (should you feel guilty?) and motivation (is it worth it?) so you can move forward with the least stress. 

Here are some questions to ask yourself. 

• What is fair in this given situation? 

• Would your boundary or solution still be fair if you put yourself in the other person’s shoes? 

• Have you committed to this, or is this something the other person expects of you? Is there an alternative solution that would be more beneficial for both parties? Does setting a new boundary create more stress than it might relieve in the long run? 

• Do you get the impression that this would be a better solution than what you have today when you picture the results a year from now? 

• Suppose you are setting a boundary and feel the other person is unreasonable in fighting the boundary. Are you willing to let the relationship go rather than feel hurt by the boundary mismatch? 

BENEFITS OF SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

It is important to highlight that you will most likely prioritize your feelings over those of others because you will have to live with the consequences of your decisions. Although this may be unpleasant at the time, deciding to create boundaries and/or putting the boundaries in place alleviates some of the tension. Working on boundary-setting strategies and assertive communication techniques can improve your quality of life. 

Boundaries are vital for both individuals in a relationship and the relationship’s overall health. Not having healthy boundaries can often make us resentful and taken advantage of, and eventually, we withdraw or shut down. It can significantly impact our self-esteem, self-worth, and interpersonal level. Clear boundaries allow us to stay connected, and communicating these boundaries demonstrates our respect for the relationship because we are willing to work hard to ensure that the relationship stays strong and safe. 

Healthy boundaries allow an individual to: 

• Have a great sense of self-esteem and self-respect. 

• Gradually share personal details in a mutually shared and trustworthy friendship. Protect yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. 

• Create a relationship that is equal in authority and responsibilities are shared. Be assertive. Confidently and truthfully say YES or NO and be OK when others say NO to you. 

• Recognise that your needs and boundaries would differ from others. 

  
  

Empower yourself to make healthy choices and accept personal responsibility. Establishing precise limits with someone who is physically violent or threatening to you may not be safe. If you are in this circumstance, engaging with a counsellor, therapist, or advocate may be beneficial to develop a safety plan, which may include boundary setting. 

SIGNIFICANCE OF POOR BOUNDARIES

Getting boundaries isn’t always easy. Others may challenge you if you say no to certain things or try to communicate your needs more clearly. People may push your boundaries to determine how serious you are about drawing the line. Or they may become accustomed to you behaving in a specific way (agreeing to take on everything), and they may resist changes. That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It may just mean you need to be clear and consistent until people adjust to the new way of interacting. Remember, it is not something they are used to.

Not implementing healthy boundaries may result in exhaustion, exploitation, being taken for granted, or feeling intruded upon. Whether it’s in work or in our personal relationships, poor boundaries may lead to resentment, hurt, anger and burnout.

Unhealthy boundaries are characterised by the following:

• Sharing too much too soon, or on the other hand, withdrawing yourself and not expressing your needs and desires.  

• Feeling responsible for the happiness of others.

• You have a poor concept of your own identity.

• Your identity is based on the opinion and perception of others and how they treat you.

• You allow others to make decisions for you, which makes you powerless and not taking responsibility for your own life

“Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices.” – Gerard Manley Hopkins

HOW TO SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Think of boundaries as a traffic light. The red light is the non-negotiable boundary, and the orange light is the more flexible boundary. You can put stop signs and what you consider is ‘crossing the line’. This will depend on your values, beliefs, cultural customs and family systems. 

Here are a few things to consider when setting boundaries.

What is your goal? Ask yourself, ‘What is my goal for setting this boundary?’ or ‘Why do I need to set a boundary? Understanding the reasoning behind it and how it will influence you long-term is important. 

Setting boundaries can be overwhelming, especially if it is not something you are used to, so start small and focus on one thing at a time. As time passes, you will feel more confident and able to set more boundaries where needed. 

Your focus should be as clear as possible; for example, “I don’t want to take work home because I want to spend that time with my family”. 

Practice. If setting the boundary makes you nervous, write what you want to say beforehand. Doing this will allow you to stay calm and focused. Practice in front of the mirror if you feel it will help you. 

Keep it simple. Just pick one or two boundaries to start off with to avoid overwhelming the other person. Focus on the main thing that is bothering you and focus on that. 

In order to set healthy boundaries, you need to have a good sense of self-awareness. Be clear about the expectations of yourself and others. Know what you are and are not comfortable with in specific situations. Setting boundaries requires good communication skills that convey assertiveness and clarity. Being assertive means expressing your feelings openly and respectfully – it is not about making demands but rather about getting people to listen to you. 

• Be as specific and direct as possible without being rude or disrespectful. And don’t raise your voice. 

• Address your need or request directly regarding what you would like instead of what you don’t like or want.

• Accept the resulting comfort, whether it is guilt, shame or remorse. It is natural to feel that way, especially in the beginning stage. Remember, be reasonable and stay strong. 

• Some adults have been raised in a way that has taught them that expressing their needs and wants is selfish or disrespectful. However, not accepting the discomfort of setting healthy boundaries in adulthood means settling into unhealthy relationships that may lead to anger, resentment, manipulation, abuse and burn-out.